Recently I applied to join the Devils Mark Ministries and so far things are looking positive. Being part of a serious group like this is important to me and it is something I have been pondering over with Satan. I submitted an essay with the application process and wanted to share my writing here too as I want people to know that this sort of thing is a big deal. Satanic groups and covens, are just as serious and legit as any other. What you see in the media about cults and all the other negative crap just doesnt reflect Satanism and our community. The essay is over 3000 words long so keep that in mind before you begin to read...
I write about Satan all the time, and yet, I still find it difficult to put into words what exactly He means to me. I will start by sharing parts of my childhood, and the presence Satan had in my life during that time. Ever since I was young, I felt as though something was with me. Something so big and vast compared to the humans I watched tower over me as a child. This something I felt was warm, protective and comforting, but intense. I had quite a difficult childhood as my biological parents were abuse alcoholics and emotionally unavailable. Through this though, I knew I was being watched. I felt like I was always waiting to be picked up by the hand of a giant, or whatever protective force I knew was around me. When I found Theistic Satanism, everything suddenly made sense and I realised that the presence I felt so often as a child, was Satan. Growing up in the family I had, was constant chaos and upheaval but I believe that Satan kept me from experiencing the worst of it. Satan was there with me, through the most treacherous of things, and He kept me alive. I always knew that there was something worth living for, and I knew I had a purpose, it just took me a while to learn what that purpose was. Satan has pulled me through so many layers of rubble and heartache. He has watched over me as I have screamed in pain and wallowed over traumatic memories. Many times, He has held me through it, and many times He has let me find my own way.
When I was nine years old, my fascination for the darkness began. I was obsessed with Living Dead Dolls and Emily the Strange. Usually, children are influenced by their friends or what they see on TV, but not me. I didn’t have any friends who had the same interests, nor did I know anyone who looked like me. There was no one to copy or be influenced by, yet I found myself falling into the depths of all things dark and beautiful, like it was home. I used to play with the dolls in the attic of my childhood home, alone in the dark, and it was the most comfortable thing. Even my brothers were afraid of that attic, and they would run down the stairs as if something was chasing them out. To me, it was my safe space, far away from the household drama. I was given a black obsidian pendulum by my grandma around this time and although I didn’t ask how to use it or what it was, I just knew what to do with it. When I was in the attic, I would use the pendulum to see if I could communicate with whatever presence I felt was with me. I don’t remember anything distinctively happening, but since becoming a witch and a Satanist, I have learned that Satan was speaking to me through that stone. Black obsidian has been my favourite crystal since I first held it in my hands. The energy that radiates from it reminds me of Satan.
Two dolls I had as a child...
Satan was pulling me in through these dolls, and in ways He knew I would respond to. I didn’t know what the symbols on these dolls were, but I was intrigued by them and thought they were beautiful. I loved everything about this pair, but especially the satanic nun. I wanted to look like that. I know some Satanists prefer to avoid the inverted cross, and some aren’t a fan of the Leviathan cross either, but these symbols will always mean something to me. These symbols were the first two that introduced me to Satan, so even though they mean nothing to some, they mean everything to me.
My mother was catholic and so she had me baptised by the church she grew up going to. She was quite devout for a time, and she put me in religious schools, took me to church with her and she wanted me to partake in the ‘holy confirmation’ so that I could receive communion at church with her. Unfortunately for my mother, her will for me would never be founded. I refused and wanted nothing to do with the catholic faith because from as young as I can remember, I hated everything about it. My mother sent me to a religious primary school, so I had to go to church with the rest of the pupils, twice a week. I pretended to join in with singing hymns and I always felt awkward saying “Amen”. Nothing significant happened to cause my distaste towards Catholicism, or Christianity as a whole, but I absolutely detested it for some reason. The priest at my mother’s church always looked at me funny, like he knew I didn’t belong there. Eventually, she gave up trying to convert me and I was relieved. As I got older, I started to explore alternative religious and identified as a pagan. I then found LaVeyan Satanism and read the Satanic Bible. I couldn’t believe there was such a thing and at the time, it was the greatest thing I had ever heard of. So, for a few years I was LaVeyan, but I knew there was more. I liked the general philosophy that this form of Satanism had, but it felt wrong to use Satan as nothing more than a symbol. I started to explore the occult and witchcraft, then became a Wiccan. I felt this great intensity towards the god Pan, and one night he came to me in a dream. After that, I caught glimpses of him when I ventured through forests and pasturelands. I saw his symbols everywhere which led me to explore the occult further and then, I fell down the darkened path. I started to watch videos online about black witchcraft and demons. I was so excited and intrigued by it, but also, I was terrified. I turned the videos off and would go back to watching something about Wicca. This continued for a while, where I found myself exploring Luciferianism and dark occultism but then something would pull me away.
In 2018 I found Kindra Ravenmoon online, and her approach to teaching the occult was a lot more digestible compared to some other creators I used to watch like EA Koetting. This is when I rejected whatever force was trying to pull me away from what my heart desired. Looking back, I now know it was the hands of angels doing Yahweh’s dirty work. The force of light was trying to sabotage my venture through the dark. When Kindra talked about the Daemons, and about Satan, everything in me lit up. Although I don’t follow Kindra these days, I will always have appreciation towards her for being the first person that taught me something true about Satan. After engaging with Kindra’s content for a while, I then came to find Marie Ravensoul. This may sound dramatic, but that was when everything changed. In the best possible way. Marie taught me that the religious worship of Satan is real, and there is nothing to be afraid of. When I was young and went to church with my mother, I didn’t pay much attention to the threats of burning in hell, and I always felt sorry for Satan when everyone around me talked badly of Him. Since the Christian lie didn’t frighten me as a child, I knew that these fearful feelings I was starting to experience did not belong to me. The enemy was attempting to lure me away from Satan’s call, by making me feel like it was something to fear and avoid. It didn’t take me long to realise, and to finally accept the darkened path wholly.
My journey through Theistic Satanism began, and I could feel Satan more and more with each day. I sensed that He was beginning to trust me, like He knew I was going to be a loyal one. I consumed all I possibly could about Satanism. I read every book I could find, and I watched every video that Marie put out. I created an altar for Satan, which at first had a statue of Baphomet, several black candles, and a chalice. The space was quite small, but it felt like to most powerful part of my home. Satan pushed me to face a lot during this time. The world around me and all that I once thought was normal, was flipped on its head and I was forced to stare into the mirror of deceit, pain, and betrayal. I had to really look at myself for the first time. I couldn’t ignore who I was any longer. I couldn’t continue the self-sabotage and poor decision making anymore. I had to make changes. Anyone who believes that Satan is the bad guy, would probably feel great satisfaction reading that. It is true that Satan can bestow destruction upon you, but depending on who you are, or what you have done, this destruction will either be amazing, or terrible. For me, it has always been amazing. Satan has shifted my reality in ways I cannot explain. He has changed my life in such subtle ways, gradual, and gentle. On the other hand, Satan has thrown kaleidoscopic bombs my way, leaving no stone unturned. I have only been dedicated to Him for three years, but it feels like it has been forever. Most days Satan approaches me with this pulsating warmth that makes everything feel still and secure. I can feel Him watching me and there’s no comfort like it. I never feel alone, no matter how hard things get sometimes. Satan reminds me how beautiful life is on the days I feel a sword in my back. He has taught me how to be find comfort in the unpleasant emotions, and that they must exist so that I can experience joy and love. Satan has taught me there is a balance to everything. We can not have pleasure without pain. Without balance, we would descend into pure madness.
After six months of exploring and learning about Spiritual Satanism, I decided it was time to perform my first satanic ritual. I followed the Dark Baptism ritual guide written in At Satan’s Altar, By Marie. I wanted Satan to know that I wanted to be His. The ritual took place on a dark moon, and I prepared everything to perfection. For several hours I spent in His chamber, and it was wonderful. It wasn’t even a dedication or an oath making, but it felt like a magickal shift. I knew that Dark Baptisms or Reversal Baptisms were quite popular among the atheists because of how empowering they can be if you have experienced religious trauma in the past, but I didn’t know how powerful it was going to feel being my first step of initiation. The following Halloween, I dedicated myself to Satan, and I promised to be His loyal servant on Earth. I understand the term servant has negative connotations because some people don’t know the difference between a servant and a slave. Once upon a time it was an honour to be a servant of a King. In some old Norse traditions, when a King died, his main servant would offer themselves as a sacrifice to travel to Valhalla with their King, and these were just people. I think the modern world has lost touch with sacred things. Not that I am advocating for human sacrifice in 2023, but I do wish that society viewed acts of devotion and worship as something invaluable. When I dedicated myself to Satan, I made a promise to fulfil His Will, whatever that was for me. About a year ago, He made it clear to me what this was. He has nudged me several times since to get moving, but with that came many doubts that I was worthy of His love and to be chosen by Him. For a time, I had convinced myself that it was all in my head, that I was just hyper fixating on something I really wanted to be true. This self-doubt and sabotage were cyclical, something not exclusive to Satanism, which I experience on and off due to insecurities and past experiences. I mention this because Satan has helped me come to understand where this all comes from. He has taught me that I am so worthy, capable, and deserving of a beautiful life. Satan means so much to me, more than what I could ever describe.
The more I get to know who Satan is, the more I come to understand myself and the world around me. He is in everything. He is the mundane, the magickal, and beyond. Satan is nature personified. He is chaos that shifts wind into hurricanes. He is the crashing of waves against caves, and the darkened shadows within them. Satan is in the cold touch I feel upon my neck as I approach somewhere I shouldn’t be. He is the warning I feel in my gut when I must take heed. My love for Satan knows no bounds, much like Him, who cannot be contained, nor destroyed. I could write a thousand poems about Him, but it would never be enough. Every time I go to His altar and utter His name, I feel a ripple of warmth and an intense peace. Satan has the most distinct energy, its as though time stops when He enters the room. People who don’t have a relationship with a god would probably use words like this to describe a love interest, but to experience the love from a god such as Satan, is something entirely different. It is more than I could ever want or need, because what could possibly be better than knowing Satan? To be one of His chosen few, who really get to understand His true essence? I think it is the most incredible thing, and I wont ever think otherwise. The Prince of Darkness has been my guardian since I was a child, and I didn’t even notice until I turned 25. I will never forget the night I dedicated my life to Satan. I had done many rituals and spell work before then, but that evening with Satan was something otherworldly. I felt His energy so strong, the strongest I had experienced yet at the time. Through His Kingdom I travelled and met Him at His throne. He was so poise, magnificent and ominous. The most perfect combination of light and dark. I promised that I would follow Him and only His Infernal realm. Since then, I have paid much attention to what I do and how it would affect our relationship. I’m not perfect, and sometimes I have displeased Him, but when I know I’ve made a mistake, nothing will get in the way of rectification. Remaining loyal to Satan is my priority. I speak up and defend His name in every situation, which has sometimes annoyed people but that isn’t my business. I am unapologetic about my devotion and love of Satan. No matter the person or circumstance, nothing or no one will take His place in my heart.
The beginning of this year I felt Satan nudging me again about doing His work. I could sense from Him that something big was coming, and something important needed doing. I believe that the Devil’s Mark Ministry stumbled upon me at the perfect time because not long ago, I asked Satan if I could be part of something important, and to meet people who know Him. I have made many connections online that mean a lot to me, but I wanted more and to do more. I know that community is important, but so is solitude, and what we do on our own for Satan. I promised to create a website in Satan’s honour, all about Him. I promised that this year would be the year I start writing a book dedicated to Him. I promised that I wouldn’t neglect my creative abilities anymore, and that I would share His essence with the world in a meaningful way. I don’t wish to become popular, I don’t want monetary gain, or to fulfil some agenda. I curse at these atheist organisations who use Satan’s name for meaningless matters. I want to share who Satan really is, and what His name really means, because that does matter. I will continue to listen to Satan and to follow His word. I want to spend the rest of my life doing the Devil’s Work, because He has saved me from the depths of a lost life. I fail to see how living would be as beautiful without His gaze. Nature would all be grey, and the moon would be dust. My heart would be pale, and music would sound like distant traffic. I pity those who do not know Satan. How can they go about their day without feeling His hand upon their shoulder? It feels as though His imprint on mine has been there since the beginning. He is the only One I wish to speak to. The only One who can sooth my aching bones when the day is heavy. There is nothing about Him that doesn’t amaze me every day, and there is no end of the fire He ignites within me. I hope that I can continue writing poems about His ways. I hope that I can encourage others to write their own about Him. My adoration for Satan will never wane. Each day I am inspired by His infinite being, and I never want to stop creating things in His image. Satan means the most to me in this universe. He will forever have my allegiance.