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My Testimony

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Satan has been calling me since I was a child, although I did not always know it was Him. I remember at age 7 I started dressing all in black and felt this affinity towards all things dark. It was a random urge as there wasn’t anyone in my life who looked this way to inspire me. I started to collect Living Dead Dolls and every night I would play with them in the attic of my old house, in the dark alone. I knew something or someone was with me, I could feel a presence that was safe but intense and protective. I had a black obsidian pendulum that my grandma gave me, and I tried to communicate with whatever or whoever I felt was in my space. Even though no one taught me how to use a pendulum or what it was for, I just knew what to do with it. Of course, dressing all in black and having an interest in gothic or horror related things is often just an aesthetic, usually a stereotypical image of a satanist. A Satanist can look like anyone. You can dress in pink, have blonde hair, listen to pop music or enjoy knitting dog sweaters. There is no rule book when it comes to your appearance as a Satanist, but for a lot of us, we are drawn to the dark as Satan is the Prince of Darkness. Satan is the void, a blackened cosmic explosion so blinding, that his very existence makes angels weep and wane. 

 

He will call to you in a way He knows you will understand and feel comfortable with. Some satanists see him as the typical red devil with a pitch folk. Some of us see him as a goat headed man with great horns. Some view him as a pale skinned tall man with long black hair. Each experience is unique and cannot be questioned if it is Satan’s Will to present this way. Satan can call to us at any age, and it is important to know that no matter how young or old you are when this happens, no one is more superior than another. Some of us may be devoted our whole lives, some may only dedicate themselves a year before death. Either way, what matters is that He called you.

Satan has changed every aspect of my life for the better.

Serving His Will is the greatest honour and I shall endeavour through every challenge He sets my way.

My whole life I have been estranged from my birth parents, always emotionally but later this became physically too. From talking to other Satanists it seems that this dynamic is common, and I have come to learn that our birth parents are only just that for a reason. I came from Satan, and so did you if you are reading this, Devotee. Growing up was a cold and strange experience as I always felt that a part of myself was unknown to me. I know this feeling is partially due to having undiagnosed autism as a child, but it was more than just that. Knowing that a greater power does exist when you can't provide physical evidence to the people around you who don’t understand, is an isolating and harmful experience. Many times I doubted myself and I doubted Satan. I have questioned my worthiness and how could I possibly be worthy of a god such as Satan. I have made myself believe it was all in my head and that I was experiencing spiritual psychosis. Our mind is so powerful but if we allow it, it could sabotage every chance of bearing witness to real magick. Satan has tested me many times, especially around the beginning of my devotional path. He made me face my own shadow and challenge all limitations I placed on myself. He guides us to carve away at our most vulnerable parts, so that we can see who we really are. His approach to this will depend on your past experiences and what your needs are. Satan does not push you beyond what you are capable of, the point is not to break you. He is not a tyrannical god who intends to install fear in his devotees, like some.

 

I grew up with a catholic mother who enrolled me in religious schools and took me to church. We always celebrated Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day and other Christian holidays. I was baptised in a church that my mam was a member of and who’s priest she was close to. My mother tried hard to make me believe in her god and I had every opportunity to be part of Christianity, but not once did any of it feel right. Being in a church felt uncomfortable and being near a priest was like attempting to join the same ends of a magnet.  The only thing about Christianity that excited me was the idea of Hell and all things demonic. The things that were meant to scare me, enticed me. I joined in at school when we prayed or sung hymns and I really did try to believe, but only because I thought I had to. I was interested in learning about different religions but when I questioned my religious teachers, I was often shot down. In fact, one teacher was a practicing nun who I often had conflict with. Many Satanists have experiences with Christianity at some point which could be because Satan wants them to learn about the enemy, to gain knowledge and insight so that when faced with a debate, they can hold their place well. None of the teachers at this religious school liked me for reasons unknown at the time. I think these Christian teachers and nuns knew who I was and where I really came from. They knew that I wasn’t attending the school because I followed their god at heart. There was constant friction between us, an energy that was unpleasant for us both. Eventually, I left that Christian institute and joined a secular school that I loved and thrived in. I realised that I was never a problem, I was just in the wrong place. I realised that every time these Christian teachers and nuns looked at me, they saw the Devil staring back at them.

 

Satan made Himself known to me through dreams and visualisations. He appeared to me in different forms such as animals, music, people, sensations, weather and smells. He brought me to other Satanists who opened a whole new world to me of magick and otherworldly things. Once I had a dream of Satan where I was walking through a cave of beige coloured skulls until I approached Him, sitting on His throne. He was dressed in a red robe and fire was roaring all around Him. We had a silent exchange as I stood by His feet and took in His essence. The very next day I was shopping online and as I was scrolling, I found a statue of Him in that very same form. Although the statue was an all-encompassing grey ceramic, it was identical to how I saw Satan in dreamworld. A statue I hadn’t seen before or have even been able to find again since. I consumed all the information I could about Him, I built an altar for Him and all I wanted to do was learn more. I was lucky to have great resources at arm’s length because this wasn’t always the case for the older devotees of Satan. It has only been in recent years where Theistic Satanists have published books and created websites. These days we can find information online and connect with other Satanists quickly, and these days it is much safer to share your beliefs with others without fear of judgement or discrimination. Unfortunately, this does still happen, but not as often as it did during the satanic panic. Freedom of religion is a human right, but that doesn’t mean you are free from judgement or discrimination.

In September 2020 I performed a dark baptism and then on the following Halloween night, I dedicated my life and soul to Satan. A ritual that I will never forget and a commitment that I will never abandon. Since my dedication, Satan has shared with me several things He wishes for me to do on this Earth and I endeavour to fulfil those wishes. I invite you to think about what wishes Satan has for you and reflect, what have you done so far?

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